Winkers™ vs. My Ass
So, my ass really, really wanted a pair of Winkers™. It’s been bugging me to buy a pair nonstop for months. Everywhere we go, all I hear is: “Matt, I need a pair of Winkers™” or “Matt, I’d look really good in a pair of Winkers™.” or “Matt, I’d be able to look at myself in a mirror with those Winkers™.” And I’d say, “Shut up, you have terrible taste in fashion, you ass.” But it simply would not quit. It really, really wanted those Winkers™. So finally, I gave in and purchased my ass a pair of Winkers™. My ass had its heart set on the Owl pattern, but unfortunately, the only pair they had in its size where the Original Winker Jeans™ with the Original Creepy Eyes™. When the package arrived in the mail, my ass had to try them on right away. I told him they looked like Mom Jeans™, to which he responded by calling me a racial slur. Naturally, I spun around so my ass could see itself winking at itself in the mirror–
…and that’s when it hit me…
You see, my ass isn’t that big. It’s actually kind of flat, which has contributed to many of its insecurities and self-esteem issues over the years. As much as I tell it that I like it just the way it is, my ass will never be happy unless it’s big and round and can wink at people as I walk down the street.
That’s why my heart broke when I turned around and saw in the mirror that no matter how much I moved, no matter how much my ass tried to fold in on itself, it just simply didn’t have enough fat to muster a wink. Not even half a wink. Instead, the lifeless eyes peered outward in a cold dead stare. My ass was crushed. It responded the only way it knows how–by telling me how much it hates being white, and that it wishes it was never born. Then it called me another racial slur. (it’s not racist, just jealous) I tried to calm my ass down by telling it that I would eat a whole bag of Funyuns™ if it would stop crying. This was, of course, a lie. But it worked.
The next day I returned the Winkers™ for a full refund, ate a healthy lunch, and then went for a jog.
