The Pumpkin Dance vs. All Other Forms of Dance

WINNER: THE PUMPKIN DANCE

Now let’s check in with Tyson.

Tags: halloween, pumpkin dance

G. Gordon Liddy vs. Your Depreciating Cheddar

If you watch as much cable news during the day as I do, you’re no doubt sick of seeing radio personality and former plumber, G. Gordon Liddy, gruffly encouraging you to invest in gold. The ads mostly air on FoxNews and are targeted toward older, weary Americans who are looking for a safe place to stash their cash before That One can sink the economy so deep that the only way out will be making it rain little Chairman Maos.

But in their haste to secure Grandma’s sock drawer cash roll, Liddy and his gold baron bosses have overlooked a potentially huge market. A market that places a higher value on gold than almost any other commodity.

Not to worry, though. We got this. RAP SONG!

Tell ‘em, G. Liddy:

Tags: G. Gordon Liddy, Gold

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

This is actually a movie.

But before that, this was actually a script. These words were physically placed onto a piece of paper and handed to a lot of people who looked at them and thought, “this sounds like a fantastic way to spend a million dollars”. For this, we can only be grateful.

If you’re not familiar with Asylum Pictures, the illustrious makers of this film, they’re an outfit that specializes in ripping off well-known, usually summer-blockbuster-type films, and producing quick, low-budget derivatives that they then place on your local video store’s shelves right around the time that said summer blockbuster is about to be released. Their hope being that your culturally delinquent mother, who has had to listen to you jabbering non-stop about the upcoming Transformers movie for the past three months (you’re thirteen), just happens to stumble upon their clumsily designed replica just sitting there and–WHOOPS–your mom just bought you Transmorphers. (Which, in this particular case, you can actually thank her for later.)

Some of The Asylum’s other releases include:

The Da Vinci Treasure
Sunday School Musical
The Day The Earth Stopped
Snakes on a Train
…and my personal favorite

However, their most anticipated release of 2009 was undoubtedly Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus–one of their first films to stand out as something other than a blatant attempt to trick your stupid mother. (Sorry, your mother. But it’s true.)  With this film, it would appear that they’ve actually attempted an original (I obviously use that term loosely) albeit ridiculous concept. Yeah, I suppose you could argue that this is just an indirect ripoff of Alien vs. Predator–but you’d be wrong.

All due condescension aside, this movie was actually fairly enjoyable. That is, if you consider megasharks attacking planes mid-air, some of the worst romantic chemistry in movie history, and Lorenzo Lamas doing what he regards as his legal occupation, to be enjoyable. (Which is like 97% of all people who have previously experienced joy, according to the most recent survey I just took.) The film also stars former teen pop star Debbie Gibson, proving that she is, indeed, clairvoyant.

If you haven’t seen this film, I highly recommend it. But since you’re lazy and forgetful (you get it from your mom) and will probably never get around to seeing it, we’ve done you a mega favor and cut the film down to our essential, 5-minute Cinematic Gold©®™ Edition. (sit on it, Criteron)

Obviously–

SPOILER ALERT! NEVER BEFORE SEEN TWIST ENDING ALERT!

Science vs. Sarcasm

The other day, I happened across this article on the website PsychCentral.com. (because I like to spend my time browsing PsychCentral.com, because I am a psychologist who is interested in matters relating to the field of psychology.)

See what I did there?

I am not, in fact, a psychologist, nor am I particularly interested in boning up on all my favorite peer reviewed psych journals in one convenient webspace. (I don’t even have a favorite peer reviewed psych journal.)

I was using a form of humor called sarcasm, which, according to the “scientific” studies cited in this article, apparently is misunderstood by the majority of people.

the majority of people — 55 percent — who responded to this survey thought they were giving an example of a sarcastic remark they made, when in fact what they gave was a non-sarcastic remark!

Oh snap! Scientific discovery!

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Big surprise. It’s not exactly a secret that a lot of people out there have no idea what certain rhetorical devices actually mean, much less how to use them properly. It’s not like you can expect everyone to be a certified sarcasm operator:

But still. In this day and age, especially given the pervasiveness of sarcasm in film and on television, not to mention everywhere on the internet, you’d think at least a simple majority of people would know which lever they were pulling on the LOL machine. It’s not that complicated! I suppose it just comes down to the fact that A LOT of people just don’t have a sense of humor unless it involves someone getting violent injured, this, or this. (or is it this?)

But still.

Just check out some of these responses.

Read more…

Tags: irony, Matt's Rants, psychcentral.com, sarcasm, science

Steven Seagal vs. The Streetz

Holy shit this is going to be my new favorite show.

10 Reasons why I know Steven Seagal is, and will continue to be, an excellent cop:

1. He doesn’t tolerate political corruption.
2. He’s versatile.
3. He’s god.
4. He tells cool stories.
5. His meanmug.
Read more…